My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
You Might Also Like
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Always a housemaid, never a house.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.