I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
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Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
The Weeknd is back
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁