ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
You Might Also Like
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
*pronounces woah like Noah*
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Life hack
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Bro what is this
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.