[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
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Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
When someone trying to leave me
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no