17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
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You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.