where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
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Lmao 🤣
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.