jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
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Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.