Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
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I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby