I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
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1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
#oldknees
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.