We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
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Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.