*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
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[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
they finally got him. they got macavity
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
How did we not see this back then?
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Dead sexy!!
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.