Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
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its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Friday night party time 🥳
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
can’t believe I got front row seats
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight