The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
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maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”