I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
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*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.