Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
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As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.