The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
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Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts