7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
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Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!