I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
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Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
God has left this place
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Are these grass-fed oranges?