wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
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It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.