me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
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Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
How I like cutting carbs
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Me in tagged photos
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.