[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
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You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too