my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
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look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Cinematography is my passion
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Banking tips
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
181.