INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
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Practicing safe sax
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?