COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
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When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.