Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
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The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Body by cheese-puffs.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.