This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
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I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
🤔😂😂
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.