Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
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me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
shit just got real
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.