*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
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On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
barbara was highly relatable
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!