If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
You Might Also Like
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
The game has officially changed 😎
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”