NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
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By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.