Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
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I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Pigeon open mic night.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg