My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
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I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby