Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
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I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?