SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
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This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.