Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
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Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?