Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
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“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Finally
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.