*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
You Might Also Like
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
This is my pinned tweet
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze