I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
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My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.