Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
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This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
I drew y’all a little something.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills