My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
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“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night