My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
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Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.