ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
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Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment