INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
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The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
the icebreaker
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?