The absolute effort that went into this omg
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People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.