Going back in time, y’all need anything?
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“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
My plans: 2020:
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it