not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
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During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest