“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
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ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God