Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
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[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
I put the hot in psychotic.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.