[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
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All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…