chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
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ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Always a housemaid, never a house.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.